jOkeS'cOrner

Nombre de messages : 5 Date d'inscription : 28/08/2007

funnnnny!!! the picture is really expressive and the joke is exciting . thanks jayshree

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Yes you are right dear Kawtar...it's really funny...and the picture is really too funny...Thanks a lot...

Admin Nombre de messages : 6208 Date d'inscription : 08/01/2007

Just Ask Me

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten greatgrandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

Admin Nombre de messages : 6208 Date d'inscription : 08/01/2007

Manny is almost 29 years old, his friends have already got married, and Manny just dates and dates.

Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear Mother?"

Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together. "So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mum. My mother loved her, they became fast friends."

"Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"

Admin Nombre de messages : 6208 Date d'inscription : 08/01/2007

Only Child

		"Mom, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school." "That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when you told her you are the only child?" She just said, "Thank goodness!"

Admin Nombre de messages : 6208 Date d'inscription : 08/01/2007

Say SOmething POsitive

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

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Admin Nombre de messages : 6208 Date d'inscription : 08/01/2007

No Eared Interview

A guy walks in for his interview. The man who's interviewing him has no ears.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

2nd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "Whatever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears. He'll kick you right out."

3rd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."

The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"

3rd guy "Because you don't have any ears to hang glasses on."

Admin Nombre de messages : 10309 Date d'inscription : 08/01/2007

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.
Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
[size=16]And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb sh*t, it's Tony Blair!"[/size]

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A gujarati boy One day many
years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of
5-year-olds, "I'll give $20 to the child who can tell me who was the most
respected man,whom people consider God, who ever lived."
An Irish boy put
his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said,
"Sorry Alan, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and
said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right
either.
Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus
Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jayant, come up here and I'll
give you the $20."
As the teacher was giving Jayant his money, she said, "You know
Jayant, since you are Gujarati, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Jayant replied,
"Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is business!"

Marriage Counseling

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

A Fishing Lure

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" The Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son,” said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir,” replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

Smelling and Hearing

An elderly woman goes to the doctor. She says, "Doc, it's terrible, I pass gas all the time. Fortunately, it's odorless and silent, otherwise I'd be mortified. For example, I've passed gas ten times just since we've been talking, but it's odorless and silent so you can't tell." The doctor gives her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and come back in a week.

The woman comes back after taking the pills for a week. She says, "Doc, there's been a change but not for the better. I still pass gas all the time, but while it's still silent, now it smells terrible!"

The doctor says, "Well, I'm glad we cleared up your sinus blockage. Now we'll have to work on your hearing."

Heart Transplant

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.
The doctor said, “We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is a jew who just died .”
“I’ll take the jew’s heart,” said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.
“It was easy,” the patient replied. “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”

Talking to God

A jew climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

The jew asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

The jew asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

Really funny!

Thank you Sir!

yes friend.he wanted to play his mean tricks with God.but in vain of course.thx

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Year 3000

jOkeS'cOrner - Page 5 Joke10

sooooo funny indeed.thanks jayshree.

A Poem for Women

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and SMACKED him...
Like his Mother used to do.

Two sportsmen are hiking in the forest when they suddenly come across a big grizzly bear! The one guy takes off his hiking boots and puts on some running shoes!

His friend says to him “You’re crazy! There’s no use. Do you know how fast grizzlies are, you’ll never be able to outrun it!”

And the guy says, “I only have to outrun you!”

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

Afterlife

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, ' Look, he's moving!'"

Rude Parrot
A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ”Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!” The lady was furious and continued on her way.

On the way back home, she passed by the petstore again and the parrot once more said “Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!” She was incredibly upset now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. “Hey, lady!” it said.

“Yes?”

“You know.”

elle ressemblait sùrement à la conne daleeza rice

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

Proving a point

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "What do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

Cured !

The health minister is visiting a psychiatric ward. He asks the head of psychology, “How do you determine if a patient is cured.”

The psychologist explains:

“We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bathtub.”

“I see,” says the health minister, “The cured person would choose the cup because it`s bigger, and would empty the tub faster.”

“Actually no,” replies the psychologist, “A normal person would simply pull the plug.”

Planting Flowers

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some flowers in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the entire back garden.”

The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the flower.”

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, who were all stranded on an island.One day they found a genie and he said he would grant them three wishes.All three of them agreed that each of them would get one wish each.The brunette said, "I wish I was home in my bed and that this never happened. ", and poof her wish was granted.The redhead said, "I wish that I was at home in my bed and this never happened. ", and poof her wish was granted.Then the blond said, "I wish my friends were here with me. "

Paying the Bill

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, thenheld it out teasingly.The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.

"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Donations

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor he was going to give him a lot of money when he grew up.

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "But why?"

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had!"

Valuable Mule

A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.

A farmer replied, "Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."

"Well," replied the man, "She must have had a lot of friends."

"Nope," said the farmer, "We all just want to buy his mule."

Feel Better Now

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."