jOkeS'cOrner

Admin Nombre de messages : 6208 Date d'inscription : 08/01/2007

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.

"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

Admin Nombre de messages : 6208 Date d'inscription : 08/01/2007

A 55-year-old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, who's lucky number is 5 receives a phone call from a friend.

The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5 to win.

Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.

Admin Nombre de messages : 6208 Date d'inscription : 08/01/2007

Memories and Good Fortune

An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked,so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved, "I love you,Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it,they took it home. There, she counted the money. It totaled fifty thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money,and knock on the door. "Pardon me,but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying.She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well,when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here!!!"

Admin Nombre de messages : 6208 Date d'inscription : 08/01/2007

William's wife started noticing how forgetful he was becoming. Being the concerned wife, she convinced him to see a doctor. William was a little worried when the doctor came in. Sensing his patient's nervousness, the first thing the doctor did was to ask what was troubling him.

"Well," William answered. "I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there, if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor thought for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Please pay me in advance."

Admin Nombre de messages : 6208 Date d'inscription : 08/01/2007

Office Manager

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

Admin Nombre de messages : 6208 Date d'inscription : 08/01/2007

Excited Father

The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family who were waiting for the news: "We had twins!"

The family was so excited they immediately asked, "Who do they look like?"

The father paused, smiled, and said, "Each other!"

Admin Nombre de messages : 6208 Date d'inscription : 08/01/2007

A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife ' s bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh, that?" she said. "That is the money I made from selling the dolls." : )

Admin Nombre de messages : 6208 Date d'inscription : 08/01/2007

A turtle family decided to go on a picnic. the turtles, being naturally slow about things, took seven years to prepare for their outing. Finally the turtle family left home looking for a suitable place. During the second year of their journey they found a place ideal for them at last!

For about six months they cleaned the area, unpacked the picnic basket, and completed the arrangements. Then they discovered they had forgotten the salt. A picnic without salt would be a disaster, they all agreed. After a lengthy discussion, the youngest turtle was chosen to retrieve the salt from home. Although he was the fastest of the slow moving turtles, the little turtle whined, cried, and wobbled in his shell. He agreed to go on one condition: that no one would eat until he returned. The family consented and the little turtle left.

Three years passed and the little turtle had not returned.. Five years...six years... then on the seventh year of his absence, the oldest turtle could no longer contain his hunger. He announced that he was going to eat and begun to unwrap a sandwich.

At that point the little turtle suddenly popped out from behind a tree shouting, 'See! I knew you wouldn't wait. Now I am not going to go get the salt.'

Admin Nombre de messages : 6208 Date d'inscription : 08/01/2007

Look at the Other Side…

A Father was reading a magazine and his little daughter every now and then distracted him. To keep her busy, he tore one page on which was printed the map of the world. He tore it into pieces and asked her to go to her room and put them together to make the map again.

He was sure she would take the whole day to get it done. But the little one came back within minutes with perfect map… When he asked how she could do it so quickly, she said, “Oh… Dad, there is a man’s face on the other side of the paper… I made the face perfect to get the map right.” she ran outside to play leaving the father surprised.

Chemical analysis of a WomenFinally – an explanation of Woman that makes sense to a man!
Element: Woman
Symbol: WO+
Discoverer: Adam Edenwarden
Atomic mass: Accepted as 53.6 kg, isotopes vary from 40 – 200 kg
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered with thin film of make-up.
2. Boils at room temperature.
3. Freezes without any known reason.
4. Melts if given special treatment.
5. Bitter if incorrectly used.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Have great affinity for gold, silver and a range of Precious stones and absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
2. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
3. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in social gatherings.
2. Can b a great aid to relaxation.
3. Can be very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when happy.
2. Turns pale green when placed beside a better specimen.
POTENTIAL HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other

WARNING!!!!
PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE FINANCIAL HEMORRHAGING AND MENTAL DISTRESS. BE CAUTIOUS!

Basic Training

The story went something like this:

Seargeant: When you are scared, what do you do?

Recruit: Keep on fightin'

Seargeant: Good for you. And now they shoot off your right ear...what then?

Recruit: Keep on fightn'!

Seargeant: Excellent. But now they also shoot off your left ear, what then?

Recruit: Then I can't see.

Seargeant: Can't see? what school did you come from?

Recruit: Well seargeant, when both my ears are gone my helmet falls down...over my eyes.

Insurance Policy

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."

There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."

Stealing Dresses

Judge: "You admit breaking into the dress shop four times?"

Defendant: "Yes, your honor."

Judge: "What did you steal?"

Defendant: "A dress, Your Honor."

Judge: "One dress? And yet you admit breaking in four times!"

Defendant: "Well, your Honor, you see the first three times my wife didn't like the color."

Hunting, sort of...

Shelia walked into the kitchen to find her husband, Fred, stalking around with a fly swatter.

"And what are we doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies" he responded.

"Oh? Killing any?" she asked, with a smirk.

"Yep! Got 4 males, 3 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How the heck can you tell?"

"Simple." He replied, "4 were on a beer can, 3 were on the phone."

Sir, ” What is the secret of your success?” a reporter asked a bank President.

“Two words.”

“And, Sir, what are they?”

“Right decisions.”

“And how do you make right decisions?”

“One word.’

“And, sir, What is that?”

“Experience. “

“And how do you get Experience?”

“Two words”

“And, Sir, what are they?”

“Wrong decisions.”

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

hhhhhhhhhhhhh.

come sun, come rain...women are never happy!!!!

Marriage Problems

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

The wife said, "Seven weeks."

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a

look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a

question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the
motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put
'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a
small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing
basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the
mechanic… "Try doing it with the engine running."

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"

Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!

A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job.

He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.

He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, “You are the reason I don’ t have a wife”, second bottle, “You are the reason I don’t have my children”, third bottle “You are the reason I lost my job”.

He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says “Stand aside darling, I know you were not involved”.

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”

“Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it’s made a big difference for me.”
“That’s great! What was the name of that clinic?” Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?”
“You mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s it!” He turned to his wife. “Rose, what was the name of that clinic?”

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
“Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?”
Tom responds, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness –and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets,
watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer’s hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, “What is this?”
The first lawyer replies, “it’s the $100 I owe you.”

hahaha all lawyers are similar lol!

A stewardess was getting very annoyed by 3 little children on the plane. They had been bugging her since take-off, complaining that they were hungry or bored or tired or thirsty or needed to go to the bathroom and whatever else you could imagine a small child commenting and complaining about.

Well, the stewardess had had enough. The next time the children said that they were bored, the stewardess told them to go play outside.

The Egyptian President, Hosni Mubarak, the British Prime Minister, Tony Blair and the American President, George Bush, were having a meeting.
George Bush was seen touching his ear and murmuring frequently.

“What are you doing?” the other 2 leaders asked him.
“Nothing. This is just a new technology from my country which allows me to communicate with my advisors back home,” replied George.
Then, Tony was seen touching his throat and murmuring frequently.
“What are you doing?” the other 2 leaders asked him.
“Nothing. This is just a new technology from my country which allows me to talk to my relatives back home,” replied Tony.
Hosni was embarrassed. Everyone had his own technology except him. There is no new technology in his country. He had to do something.
Hosni Mubarak suddenly takes an important document , puts it in his mouth and swallowed it immediately.
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!!” the other 2 leaders were shocked.
“Nothing. Just sending a fax to Egypt.”

Inheritance

A man went to his lawyer and stated, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."

The man looked somewhat upset as he said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children, too!"

When the man came home, his wife was crying.

"Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.

"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked.

"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."

"And?"

"At the end of the letter it was written:

PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."

Woman: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

Man: Definitely not!

Woman: Why not? Don't you like being married?

Man: Of course I do.

Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

Man: Okay, I'd get married again.

Woman: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

Man: Yes, I would.

Woman: (After a long pause) Would you sleep with her in our bed?

Man: Where else would we sleep?

Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

Man: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

Expensive Ring

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side.

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.

Our jeweler looked through our stock and took out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand-I want something very unique," the man said.

At that, our now very excited jeweler went and fetched our special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000."

The girls eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.

"How are you paying?" asked our jeweler.

"I'll pay by check; but of course the bank will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, and then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."

Monday morning, our very disappointed jeweler phoned the man. "You lied, there's no money in that account."

"I know, sorry, but can you imagine what a FANTASTIC weekend I had?"