jOkeS'cOrner

Admin Nombre de messages : 6208 Date d'inscription : 08/01/2007

The Island

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

Admin Nombre de messages : 6208 Date d'inscription : 08/01/2007

Keep Your Seat
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.

She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.

Finally, the man says,

"Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

Admin Nombre de messages : 6208 Date d'inscription : 08/01/2007

Hearing Problem

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do," said the doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet,then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He thought to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away."Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Frank, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

Admin Nombre de messages : 6208 Date d'inscription : 08/01/2007

I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

Admin Nombre de messages : 6208 Date d'inscription : 08/01/2007

Army Brat vs. Navy Brat

An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.

"My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"

"Yes," said the Navy brat.

"My dad has built them."

Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"

"Yes."

"It's my dad who's killed it!"

Admin Nombre de messages : 6208 Date d'inscription : 08/01/2007

Lawyers Playing Poker

A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker.

"I win!" said Johnson.

Henderson threw down his cards. "That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!!!"

"How can you tell?" Phillips asked.

"Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"

Admin Nombre de messages : 6208 Date d'inscription : 08/01/2007

Water in the Carburetor

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool."

Admin Nombre de messages : 6208 Date d'inscription : 08/01/2007

selling vacuum cleaners

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

Good morning, " said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. "

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

Admin Nombre de messages : 6208 Date d'inscription : 08/01/2007

For The Kids...

Father: What did the teacher think of your idea?
Son: She took it like a lamb
father: Really?, what did she say?
Son: Baa!

Shot With a Bow

Lawyer: "Now, would you please tell the Jury the truth. Why did you shoot your husband with a bow and arrow?"

Defendant: "I didn't want to wake up the children."

Silent Wife

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah, except today is the last night."

Honor Thy Brother

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother seeing the opportunity for a moral lesson, said, "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

Fair Settlement

After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client.

"Mrs. LaMay, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you."

"Fair to both?!?" exploded Mrs. LaMay. "I could have done that myself. What do you hire a lawyer for?"

Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle

Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, "What do you think you are doing? What if you have an accident?"

The priests say, "Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us."

The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle."

Blind Date

A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order.

The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much.

She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?"

"Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River."

No Novacaine

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

A guy phones the local hospital and yells: "You've got to send help! My wife's in labour!"
The nurse says:
"Calm down. Is this her first child?"
He replies:
"No! This is her husband!"

Physical training job

The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers.

"I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now begin!"

After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.

"Why did you stop. Smith?" demanded the officer.

"If you please, sir," said Smith, "I'm freewheeling for a while."

Maid: What do you want, sir?
Visitor: I want to see your master.
Maid: What.s your business, please?
Visitor: There is a bill...
Maid: Ah! He left yesterday for his village...
Visitor: Which I have to pay him...

Maid: And he returned this morning.

Invité

A husband asks: do you know the meaning of WIFE?
"without informations,fighting all the time"
the wife replies: No it means "with idiot for ever

A blonde, brunette and redhead are in a desert. The brunette says, "I brought some water so we don't get dehydrated." The redhead says, "I brought some suntan lotion so we don't get sunburned." Then the blonde says I brought a car door." The other girls said, "Why did you bring that?" Then the blonde says, "So I can roll down the window if it gets hot."

Alphabet

Little Johnny asks the teacher, "Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?"

The teacher says, "Yes, but only after you recite the alphabet Johnny."

Little Johnny says, "Fine" and quickly babbles out: a "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO_QRSTUVWXYZ!"

The teacher asks, "Where is the P?"

Johnny replies, "Running down my leg. Please let me go to the bathroom!"

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"
The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

New Dad
One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands, so the proud father stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.

Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found was indeed full.

"Here's the problem," the doctor explained. "He just needs to be changed."

The perplexed father remarked, "But the diaper package specifically says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"

Traffic Light
A woman driving in Brooklyn stopped her car for a red light. However, when the light turned green again, she just stayed right where she was.

When the light had changed several times and she still hadn't moved, the traffic policeman finally went over to her and inquired politely, "What's the matter, lady, ain't we got no colors you like?"

Invité

Mr Grant Doddington advises that The Global National Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt.
Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed.

See attached picture…..

jOkeS'cOrner - Page 4 Seat-belt

Nombre de messages : 5 Localisation : meknes Date d'inscription : 28/08/2007

funnnnny!!! the picture is really expressive and the joke is exciting . thanks jayshree

Invité

Yes you are right dear Kawtar...it's really funny...and the picture is really too funny...Thanks a lot...

Just Ask Me

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten greatgrandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

Manny is almost 29 years old, his friends have already got married, and Manny just dates and dates.

Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear Mother?"

Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together. "So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mum. My mother loved her, they became fast friends."

"Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"

Only Child

		"Mom, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school." "That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when you told her you are the only child?" She just said, "Thank goodness!"

Say SOmething POsitive

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Invité

No Eared Interview

A guy walks in for his interview. The man who's interviewing him has no ears.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

2nd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "Whatever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears. He'll kick you right out."

3rd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."

The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"

3rd guy "Because you don't have any ears to hang glasses on."

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.
Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
[size=16]And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb sh*t, it's Tony Blair!"[/size]