jOkeS'cOrner

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

Proving a point



A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "What do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

Cured !

The health minister is visiting a psychiatric ward. He asks the head of psychology, “How do you determine if a patient is cured.”

The psychologist explains:

“We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bathtub.”

“I see,” says the health minister, “The cured person would choose the cup because it`s bigger, and would empty the tub faster.”

“Actually no,” replies the psychologist, “A normal person would simply pull the plug.”

Planting Flowers



A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some flowers in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the entire back garden.”

The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the flower.”

Donations

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor he was going to give him a lot of money when he grew up.

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "But why?"

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had!"

Valuable Mule

A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.

A farmer replied, "Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."

"Well," replied the man, "She must have had a lot of friends."

"Nope," said the farmer, "We all just want to buy his mule."

Blond medical terminology


Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known

Insomniac



A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

poor man

Dealing With Bribes*



Taking his seat in his chambers, the jewish judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The jewish judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."

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* bribe: Something, such as money or a favor, offered or given to a person in a position of trust to influence that person's views or conduct.

New Math
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the blankety-blank *difference?"

"That's exactly what I said!"

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*( Slang) damned

United Nations Survey

Last month, a world survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world." The survey was a huge failure...

• 
  
  In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
  
• 
  
  In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
  
• 
  
  In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
  
• 
  
  In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
  
• 
  
  In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
  
• 
  
  In South America they didn't know what "please" meant, and
  
• 
  
  In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
  

Scream For Me



Dentist begging the patient: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time.

Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock footbal match.

Arriving Early

The boss came in early one morning and found his manager kissing his beautiful secretary.

He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"

The manager replied: "No, sir, I'm doing this free of charge."

Bird Hunting



Two drunk men were out bird-hunting. Suddenly, one of them said, "Hey! I see two birds!"

"Well, shoot then,"said the other man.

"But which one do I shoot?"

"Hmm...take another drink,"the other man said, handing him the bottle.

"Hey! Now I see three!"exclaimed the man.

"Good. Shoot the one in the middle."

Family Vacation



The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school.

"Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal.

"Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week," replies the voice.

"Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"

"We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice, "I hope it is all right."

"I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who is calling?"

"Sure. This is my father!"

Hearing Aid Danger



Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.

The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"

Controlling Spouses


There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked.

"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

The River


A preacher, completing a temperance sermon, spoke with great fervor! "If I had all the beer in the world, I’d throw it all into the river."

With greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d throw it all into the river."

And finally he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d throw it all into the river, too!"

As he took his chair, the song leader stood and announced with a smile, "For our closing hymn, let us sing number 365:"

"Shall We Gather at the River."
---------------------------------
*Shall We Gather At The River? (or simply At The River) is a traditional Christian hymn, written by American poet and gospel music composer Robert Lowry (1826-1899).it is also sung at funerals.

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=6Z3pMfCTQHU&feature=related

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=rtSbgdHH11Y&feature=related

Shall we gather at the river,
Where bright angel feet have trod,
With its crystal tide forever
Flowing by the throne of God?

Yes, we’ll gather at the river,
The beautiful, the beautiful river;
Gather with the saints at the river
That flows by the throne of God.

On the margin of the river,
Washing up its silver spray,
We will talk and worship ever,
All the happy golden day.

Yes, we’ll gather at the river,
The beautiful, the beautiful river;
Gather with the saints at the river
That flows by the throne of God.

Ere we reach the shining river,
Lay we every burden down;
Grace our spirits will deliver,
And provide a robe and crown.

Yes, we’ll gather at the river,
The beautiful, the beautiful river;
Gather with the saints at the river
That flows by the throne of God.

At the smiling of the river,
Mirror of the Savior’s face,
Saints, whom death will never sever,
Lift their songs of saving grace.

Yes, we’ll gather at the river,
The beautiful, the beautiful river;
Gather with the saints at the river
That flows by the throne of God.

Soon we’ll reach the silver river,
Soon our pilgrimage will cease;
Soon our happy hearts will quiver
With the melody of peace.

Yes, we’ll gather at the river,
The beautiful, the beautiful river;
Gather with the saints at the river
That flows by the throne of God.

A Blind Man in Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!” The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.” The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush*, don’t flush!”
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*flush :
to be emptied or cleaned by a rapid flow of water, as a toilet.
To clean, rinse, or empty with a rapid flow of a liquid, especially water: flush a toilet

The best one!!!
Gracias Med!!